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Remember that sub that we had

Dear Friend,

I think people try really hard to say one thing, when they mean something different entirely. So with that in mind, instead of trying to poetically weave my way through your brain and dare you to trip on that string of my thoughts, I’ll just lay out what I’m thinking.

And you can try to pick out some deeper theme or complex motif throughout my various entires.

And maybe you will find something I didn’t even think of. And if you do then Cool! Awesome! Congrats!! (And maybe I’m just saying all this so that I can intentionally hide stuff in my writing and only the really intuitive one’s will find it, but who knows ;-))

With that said, let’s talk about subs, for funzies. Ya know, THOSE people. Generally the age of 50 or above, who waltz into the school, as if they work at the local zoo and they just wrestled 3 elephants, 4 giraffes and 60 penguins at once, and won. Those people who think they are the Zeus to us Hades, which, I mean, come on. We’ve been here for 3 years at this point, we can magician our phones in and out of our hands faster then the neighborhood “bad boy” can chug a can of blue edition red-bull.

I’m sure we all remember the sub we had on Friday, and I’m sure I don’t have to go into detail about the way she walked around the class with her beady eyes and centered in on specific kids to ask if we had more work to do. How clever she must’ve thought she was. Keeping us “Working” or “on task”

I bring this up because…. well, I don’t know why I bring this up. I don’t know why I always have gripes with subs, even if they technically do a “good” job. Maybe next time I have a sub I will be able to lift my “shade throwin shades” and give them a pass. Or, maybe I’ll get the storytelling sub. We all need a healthy serving of the tale of the butterfly who breaks out of it’s cocoon.

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Teach a child to share

You raise a child to smile. Now they’ve grown, and don’t know it’s ok to frown

Can’t, won’t, and shouldn’t were used most in your home. Now kept, work, and “we’ll try” are the most used in yours

Predict how a kid will learn through life. Tell me who the abused boy will be when he’s older. Tell me who the paranoid girl is in 30 years. And pray for the one who says they have an answer to this.

What do we do when the kid grows up and decides to break something beautiful. Moms? Dads? Why did ya have to make them such a screw up?

A prayer for the child who’s parents swear they’re “a good kid”. Especially when they are and especially when they aren’t.

Child

Will

Become

.

.

.

Is it beautiful at least? Knowing that it can turn out ok

There has to be a system or equation for all the people to turn out ok

Any person has a chance to take those lessons learned and pages turned and make it into wood for the bridges they have to walk across. I think that’s

Hope? Hope that you teach a child to share and they decide to share love.

*Epilogue *

No. Because then what. They turn out great, they have happy lives and face harder things and find someone who just wants to be as encouraged and seen and loved as they do. So they get together and it’s peace and finally “hygge”. And then their child, their perfect child, who they love, goes, and steals some clothes, then crashes a car, and hurts the ones they love, and they run away, and start fighting and hurting and lying because that’s who they are, and they die on the side of a road from battle wounds. And there’s no closure and no peace and perfect mom and dad who just wanted things to be ok raised this person who’s gone. So who’s to blame, who the hell is to blame. Mom and dad did nothing wrong and poor child was just handed too full of a plate I guess so now because the answer is hard we decide the answer is no. And we move on.

I closed my eyes

I closed my eyes

It’s ping pong and politics

Being told an insecurity by someone who matters, and being told because you matter, underscored by an episode of the office/how its always been forever. Maybe it’s a dream, and eyes are staying closed, and maybe hope can/has to be, superimposed

Eyes opened, met with black. It’s too bad I forget dreams so fast. I crave the nuance and… and well anyways time to go

I closed my eyes

There I lay, away from where I closed my eyes

In Dewsbury England, haunted again. The bathroom across the hall, and bed shaped tomb against the wall. I closed my eyes and can open them again, but I want to get further. Maybe getting through another day means I won’t be a failure. But this night never makes sense, it bends and bobs, for barely a beginning or an end

Sinking, freaking, please a new feeling, but never blinking because what happens if I go back. I can’t and won’t move, “ I thought I was there”. And now…. Im really super hungry hmm

I closed my eyes

Surrounded by monsters, Somewhere safe

It isn’t enough to send yourself away, to close your eyes for 8 hours a night. I closed my eyes or kept them open, it’s time to escape again. I closed my eyes and Back to playing ping pong poorly, and pouring our souls out, and feeling welcome to be rejected. I closed my eyes and Back to that infinite bed, but also before and after. The coldest winter, warmed by the kindest family, and the wettest summer, succored by the brightest intentions. That trap was the freest I’ve been.

And so I choose to return there when it’s hard to be anywhere else.

Half empty

Half full

We’re starting over

I’m sad again

On September 8th an shift in the earths crust caused an earthquake which struck the Wasatch fault line. It’s no surprise that the event caused major destruction, as it was always going to.

I didn’t know this but apparently in the case of an earthquake the safest place to be is inside of the mountain that the fault runs through. I learned this because I was inside that mountain as the earthquake worked through me. The ground didn’t tare, and no rocks tumbled. The walls didn’t shift, but the cave did shake.

When there’s an earthquake the shaking usually only lasts 10-30 seconds.

Hate to be that guy but heehee that’s wrong

Because everything is still shaking. I’m still falling from the cracks in the ground, with the rocks that slid off the walls.

~

~

~

On September 8th no earthquake came. But now I’m sad again. This is pouring rain, this is paralyzed. This is drunk as hell, this is stay in bed.

Too young to be hurt and too old to be able to feel it.

Not even the burnouts are out here anymore

Mattering matters more then being mature

On the 4 walls that surround my bed I see places that work in congruence.

One painting is of a Sunday, and a bustle high full of red. Made from tiny dots so close together that they make a memory.

Two pictures are reminders of my failures, but tell me to be better

One photo is of a Man I know. I didn’t chose to have His picture hung up on my wall, but I’m grateful it is.

Ideally I prefer iconography in my room to idolize my intentions

All the art on these walls grow me up because……… oh wait, there’s one more.

He keeps moving

When he’s here it’s an unmoving stare at the end of my bed.

Peeking out now

I saw him at school, when I put my head on the desk his eyes poked out from the bottom of it.

He moves into my head now and then, he tells me I’ll be here forever.

Maybe I was afraid at first, but this was the kind of thing that was around so often and so brilliantly that I think I found more comfort in his art more then the paintings in my room.

I don’t want to watch someone I love die slowly

My mother reminded me two days ago that I’m very lucky to have all 4 of my grandparents still alive.

I don’t feel the same way about that

Worrying about my friends who are fully healthy, and checking my pulse few times a day are now a way to waste and incase some shame. because I want to use worry where I can trust that tomorrow it will be gone

I know someone who’s anxiety developed because they couldn’t speak free any more. Old age is a jail cell that filters their words unfairly. And it almost feels like cheating when I can say I love you, even when I know he does too.

Epitaph to England

When I leave
Still laugh at my jokes
Give the really good ones
To quiet friends
So they can smile

I want something to stay
Something bright
Stronger then a memory
To remind you that life is warmth
And peace
And when I’m not there
You’ll find me in the smell of cool rainy air
And in the castle by the sea
And you can be reminded
That all is right

I am no longer there
And sometimes I am only there
I hope they can remember me by the way I cared
And tried
And when they try
And fail
It’ll be ok because they did try

I am scattered into a million pieces there
I hope that’s enough

Songs for Athena: my white elephant

For Athena I made a spotify playlist for all of her blog posts and on here I am going to lay out each song and why I picked them.

1-Introduction: Bundle of Joy (inside out). I chose bundle of joy because Your blog is so positive right from the beginning. It was always uplifting and almost mysterious to read a new post by you, and that’s what this song represents to me

2-Imaginarium: Little wonders (Rob Thomas). The song little wonders really was inspired by one of the last lines in the blog post.“Her Imaginarium was an emporium of random wonders and a collection of odd ideas”. The song is all about prizing the little moments and the important, maybe different things in life. And your post, in my opinion, is all about prizing the moment in life, as if they were objects in your own museum. “It’s about the people you meet and the experiences they have”.

3-First letter of every line: Blue ridge mountains (fleet foxes). Oh how I love this song. To me this song is about feeling love and sharing moments with other people around you. And to me your Robots post was all about feeling. “To be human is to FEEL”. Hopefully the beginning of this song doesn’t weird you out to much, trust me, this is one of the best mountain songs made.

4-Gravity: Space oddity (David Bowie). I put this song here as more of a response than a song that coincides with what the blog post was writing about. I truly believe the song space oddity preaches the idea to reach for your dreams and go for the stars which is the response I want to send to you, Athena *Sophie*. Go for your dreams because you will be able to achieve them.

5-Doo-De-Doop (A doodlin’ song). (Blossom Dearie). Honestly, this song is bizarre and hilarious. But I figured this is just an uplifting song that’s kinda funny, and is all about doodlin which if very in theme for this post.

6-Lost: Wait (M83). Alright, here is the obvious “wait by m83” reference cause I LOVE this song more then most. I could go on and on about it’s subtle messages that it reflects through like 10 words that are in the song but also the beautiful music composition. But that’s not what I’m here for, I’m here to relate this song to the post “lost.” One of the number one reasons I love this song is because it feels down and sad, but it’s also positive. It’s about moving on and knowing that things will be ok in “no time” at all. Reading your poem lost made me relate to that darn puzzle piece and made me think about how when you are feeling like no one is looking and you are laying there by yourself all you have to do is wait and you will be picked up and fit in the right place, and this song is all about that.

7-Crisp: Younger now (Miley Cyrus). the post crisp is all about fall bringing in a different time. With crunchy leaves and hikes in football. This time to me, makes me feel like a kid. Jumping into leaf piles or running around in a park. And sure the song younger now is also about growing as a person but I really think you can interpret it like feeling young because it’s the right time of year.

8- A blue carnival ticket: Audio (LSD). I LOVE this post by the way. I love the use of the 5 senses to set a really cool visceral image in my head for what a carnival is like. I chose the song audio by LSD cause it’s all about feeling the music and rhythm that the world has for us. Also that line about listening to your blue ticket is amazing and so poetic. Seriously 10/10 with your blog it’s SO good.

9- Moonlight Ski Lift: The solves and the ravens (Rogue Valley). So this is my favorite song ever. It’s so chill and relaxing and reading your ski lift post I just felt so safe and warm and comforted, and all I can say to defend having this song correlate is because it makes me feel the same way. I very seriously just love this song, it makes me happy, and I hope you like it as well.

10-Crayola World: Firework (Katy Perry). This post was so exciting to read because you are so clever with all of your writing and color choices. The reason I chose firework is cause of the imagery. Fireworks have lots of colors, so do your crayons, lol yeah this one is rough. To be honest I just wanted a song in this playlist that was recognizable to everyone.

11-sunsets/more sunset thoughts: Generator^first floor (freelance whales). I really feel like this was one of your most impactful posts. It was extremely beautiful and simple, and reading the comments people really connected with it. The song generator^first floor is all about waking up in the morning with people you love and addressing their presence as a gift, like how we can see people as sunsets in our lives.

12- Spooky Scary Skeletons: Breakaway (Kelly Clarkson). So yes, I know that this is your Halloween post and yes, I know that this is one of the most NOT Halloween songs. But I seriously think this song reaaaally gets the message of your post across. How I interpreted your post was that it was all about how our bones and, by proxy, our souls want to do so much. But the world tells us different and urges us to conform. And this song is all about breaking out of the mold and being yourself.

13-LOVE!: Help! (The Beatles). Do I need an explanation??? Pretty self explanatory here. Hey will say that I think this concept is so fun and it’s crazy how well just changing one word works for this song.

14-Time: The Funeral (The band of horses). So this song hits me with nostalgia because I listened to it as a kid a lot. I didn’t understand what it was about then, and I’m sure I don’t know what the “real” meaning is now. But to me, this song represents having a funeral for my childhood. A lot like what your post talks about, it’s about how fast it went and how I didn’t use my time wisely when I was a kid back then, so now All I can do from time to time is morn for what I couldn’t do.

15-Building Blocks and stepping stones: The climb (Miley Cyrus). Call me cliche, or a Disney fanatic, but the climb is one of the most powerful important songs made. Growing from failure, finding light in sorrow, looking forward and smiling even if where you are now is so dark and impossible. That’s what your post is about, and it’s what the climb is about as well. Thank you for this post, I tried looking up the quote and couldn’t find it, if by some miracle you actually read this far, I’d love to know who you are quoting.

16-Road Block: Catchy song (The LEGO movie 2). So, it’s like when your stuck on a road block, and your mad cause you wish you could just write something and get it out. It’s like when a song gets stuck inside your head, and you’re mad cause it won’t get out. Well here ya go.

17: Irrational fears-Tip Toe Thru’ the tulips with me. (Tiny tim). Straight up I have an irrational fear of this song. His vibrato and the instrumental everything, and insidious, and the fact his name is tiny Tim, but he is very not tiny. I hate everything about this song and I’m sorry to put it on this playlist of songs I like quite a lot.

18- Dear, Mr Nelson: Paris (Benton Paul). I really really love this post. Like so much. I feel every word on there. I’d rather be creating and feeling Paris everyday, and now that the class I over I am legitimately very sad to say goodbye to Paris. So I hold onto this song because it reminds me of some of the beauties that we found in Paris.

19-Living in the past: When you wish upon a Star (Cliff Edwards). Fun fact number one, this song was actually made in the 1940’s. And that is actually all the fun facts I’ve got. But yeah, I feel like this song reflects a lot of the mindset of people in the 1940’s. Lots of dreaming and wishing for opportunity or the new fashion or style. Like your character mentioned in the post, she was inspired by Rosie the Riveter.

20- Reveal in Paris: La Vie En Rose (Edith Piaf). beaucoup d’amour, de paris

21- Why?: Who am I? (Les miserables). lol, basically skip to the 2:34 time stamp, and switch out the 24601!!!!!!!!! Part with ATHENAAAAAAAAAA.

22-Have a Happy little day: Here Comes The Sun (The Beatles). For happy times and good feelings.

23-My heart wants….:Stuff we did (Up). Your final post and this final song is all about the journey. You talk about longing to see the world and trying something new and exploring and seeing the world. And I adore that, and I think this song is about remembering these memories that you are going to make.

Thank you for your blog. I have literally read every post and delved deep Into your carefully chosen words. You are amazing.

songs for Athena by Derekgibbons

Expression

Heart is driving down the city streets and letting the lights warm you with their awe.

Or it’s driving down the country road, keeping your car lights off because the stars are guiding your path.

Heart is laying on a field, June 22nd, while listening to “On melancholy hill” with your best friend, knowing that ever since you were a kid you wanted something like this

Or it’s laying in her basement after making that pillow fort, and turning on the movie “Zathura” and you’re both falling asleep, but you can feel, more then anything, your hearts are beating as one.

Heart is written all over the walls

Hearts is hidden inside all of our faces

All you have to do is look

I’ll never forget

When we had just gotten on the bus after a long day of lagoon. I put my head on the window, you did the same. These other people were walking onto the bus, I didn’t even notice them. All I heard was you humming that song, and all I could do was hum along

You had a bad day. Stuck in the confines of your headspace. I knew shouting wouldn’t get your attention, so instead I bought a cracker platter. We laid in the snow, and ate all that cheese, and kept warm in our blankets. “And in those moments, I swear we were infinite”

We didn’t have to swim out any further. The sun was going down and the sky was bright orange. Everyones hearts were together as one as we watched our island get forgotten by the sun. “are we going to come back tomorrow”. Of course we couldn’t, there was never enough time. So instead we held our breath once more and let our smiles remember the waves.

Every night a new memory. A new joke, or new song, or new face, or new smell. If it was that late night poker game. Or secret hitler till 2:00. Watching Minutemen after laying on the hammock. I know I will be there again in never, so I am grateful I got to feel forever.

I’ll never forget, these moments are forever.