I think people try really hard to say one thing, when they mean something different entirely. So with that in mind, instead of trying to poetically weave my way through your brain and dare you to trip on that string of my thoughts, I’ll just lay out what I’m thinking.
And you can try to pick out some deeper theme or complex motif throughout my various entires.
And maybe you will find something I didn’t even think of. And if you do then Cool! Awesome! Congrats!! (And maybe I’m just saying all this so that I can intentionally hide stuff in my writing and only the really intuitive one’s will find it, but who knows ;-))
With that said, let’s talk about subs, for funzies. Ya know, THOSE people. Generally the age of 50 or above, who waltz into the school, as if they work at the local zoo and they just wrestled 3 elephants, 4 giraffes and 60 penguins at once, and won. Those people who think they are the Zeus to us Hades, which, I mean, come on. We’ve been here for 3 years at this point, we can magician our phones in and out of our hands faster then the neighborhood “bad boy” can chug a can of blue edition red-bull.
I’m sure we all remember the sub we had on Friday, and I’m sure I don’t have to go into detail about the way she walked around the class with her beady eyes and centered in on specific kids to ask if we had more work to do. How clever she must’ve thought she was. Keeping us “Working” or “on task”
I bring this up because…. well, I don’t know why I bring this up. I don’t know why I always have gripes with subs, even if they technically do a “good” job. Maybe next time I have a sub I will be able to lift my “shade throwin shades” and give them a pass. Or, maybe I’ll get the storytelling sub. We all need a healthy serving of the tale of the butterfly who breaks out of it’s cocoon.
After being held captive at the dinner table on stories of china, I escaped to the bathroom to try and remember myself.
I found myself there, with a couple more lines than I’d seen before. And I remembered my lie, and I continued on.
Then when I listened to that song on the car ride home, I was scared because it made me think of you. But I also pray that you have the decency to hear that song and think of me.
I want more me time until I’m in the basement for a night and I want more you time until we’re just laying around.
What I’m saying is that I’m worried because I can’t sit still and I’m worried because I can’t move too fast.
And I’m worried that whatever “because I can’t” is, it’s holding me back
Soon, the cutthroat trout will become more than just a fish in Gods great lake. He feverishly wanders, mindlessly devoted to a journey of naught. And once the fish is deceived, full knowledge is gained by a hook through the eye, and a complete emptiness is received.
Unstained hay lay on a pig untrained. Vita’s pink ears hear divinity cry as loud as an ocean becoming dry. Life is a squish of mud on heavens floor. Life is a glorious foot amputation. Life is a carrot in the midst of celery. Vita is brought out of the sacred Garden, to the musical hanging chains where her blood stains the hay below her.
There is a space where noses become one. Where the quick felt love, like a needle entering a vein, is extended, like a dumbbell dropped into the ocean. My shadowy breath creates worms and dirt and trees, all in the sky. “It’s the Adam and Eve-Ning” you joke as hearts explode and all falls down.
I accidentally arrived 30 minutes early. I haven’t done that before, so now I need to find somewhere to sit where no one can see me, although I’m certain nobody would stop by.
Maybe I could leave, I wouldn’t have to think about showing up 30 minutes early to church, or sitting in uncomfortable seats singing songs that I don’t think are very good.
I’m thinking about sticking my head in a microphone, and enjoying its warmish bite.
I couldn’t do public speaking, I can’t talk long without any feedback. I couldn’t make music, it would either be too fast to sing or too slow to enjoy. I couldn’t be a teacher, I don’t have enough wit or charm to convince someone I am intelligent. When asked what I learned in church today, I’ll tell them I learned what I’m not.
I could leave, be a runaway-from-home kid but I’m fearful it would lead to a dead end, and force me back into that ouroboros spiral
The seats are nice, if a little worn. I filled up on gas yesterday and already used a quarter of a tank which is only really “too bad”. The sun is new enough to warm the ground, and high enough to stay out of my eyes
I stopped at a red next to a women in a white sedan. I thought about how if I was funny, I would do some kind of joke. It would make her laugh. I’d pull my phone out and put it in the world; get millions of views.
I find myself in Chicago, floating, stomach up, an inch above the water. It feels like walking.
Maybe I do quit right now. To leave this ouroboros spiral and mine a hole through what looks like the sky. Instead of admiring the tall brick building like the people out my left window, I’ll find a new glass house where I can plan to call home.
The blue shade right before the bright comes out. I want to live there, in that new emerald blue. To live in a color is to feel a feeling forever. To live in a color is to fade, quick as a heartbeat, once the far moon, is shown full
.
Like the last moments of a dying fire, or the fragment of tired that visits after a full November night. Like the sharp intense pain of a needle entering the vein, and how it is so loud and bright, and gone.
.
I guess I’m feeling grateful that cameras suck. Because the effigy created after that bright flash will never be as stark as the silhouette against my eye. A sea foam sunset could never betray me if she is only around in time to say hello and goodbye.
.
I want to live in the change, with those who will care. Those who listen to the gentle rhythmic drum inside, and decide to orchestrate the noise. For, when we are a victim of the change, I choose to do it again
.
Unfitting marble
Maybe that is why death is so alluring. Not because life is so bad, or because the afterlife could be so great. It’s that middle moment that is so attractive. Past the pain and entertaining the end. Getting pulsed through a line of nothing or something.
Some albums and their album covers I really like. And also some vague artistic words to spice em up
“I wish we could open our eyes, and see in all directions at the same time. Oh what a beautiful view, if you were never aware of what was around you.”-Marching Bands of Manhattan (Death Cab for Cutie)
And then the glass
Will no longer sink into our feet
Because I’ll carry you
Through this cold and lonely street
“Where did they go? Graceful in the morning light. To banner fair; to follow you closely on the morning air. Through the forest down to your grave. Where the birds wait, and the tall grasses wave.”-Tiger Mountain Peasant Song (Fleet Foxes)
So on the beach
We rock to and fro
I hope you’ll grab my hand
All Soft, and slow
“One day, under the sun. In time beyond, there’s nothing wrong. Yesterday is clean and gone, one day under the sun.”- Under the sun (Spellling)
The light brings out your heaviest gaze
And it brings out my weakest cry
The moon will slowly rotate now
Oh kindness, you could try to lie
“I’m on the fence and I’m rocking to the side I call home. I’m on the edge of my coffin, with a smile and some hope. I was drowning, drowning, drowning, in the open no grip on the shore”- Pirate Radio* (Jean Dawson)
Our eyes finally met today
Crazy how it can feel so sharp
I saw us falling into hell
Or running away to sound of a harp
“I wasn’t yours, and you weren’t mine. Though, I’ve wished from time to time we had found a common ground. Your voice was such a welcome sound”- The Wolves and the Ravens (Rogue Valley)
A crack alongside a step
I am reminded you are still here
Even when my sight is so small
You are so quick to endear
“Maybe all this is the party, maybe the tears and the highs we breath. Maybe all this is the party, maybe we just do it violently. But you’re not what you thought were.”-Liability Reprise (Lorde)
I’ve been left with just a hollow shell
But I can’t tell if I ever had more
I want to be filled in with a word
But now I just float far past the shore
“A haunted house with a picket fence, to float around and ghost my friends…. The billboard said “the end is near”- I know the end (Phoebe Bridgers)
I don’t know the man inside the bone
Or who I wanted me to be
But now below these rocks I fear,
I’ve lost my chance of being free
And now I know, the end is near
“And I heard from the tress a great parade, and I heard from the hills a band was made. And will I be invited to the sound? And will I be a part of what you made?”- All the trees in the field will clap their hands (Sufjan Stevens)
This is not poetry
Being lost in the memory of a friend
Or possibly even worse
Being seen only at the bookend
“As the pain sweeps through makes no sense to you, every thrill is gone, wasn’t too much fun at all.”-As the world falls down (David Bowie)
Now I live alone, like a rat
Entranced by the charade
I moved out of my parents house
And still want to run away
“Stood on the cliff side screaming give me a reason, your faithless love the only hoax I believed. Don’t want no other shade of blue but you, no other sadness in the world would do.”-Hoax (Taylor Swift)
Please undo this fault of mine
And put this tape on play
For it pauses on each step I’ve lost,
Each moment of dismay
“If you can’t feel the pain then you can’t feel the opposite. The fight between the yin and the yang’s a fight you’ll never win.”- Introvert (lil Simz)
And maybe you’d say
“I think he has learned”
And although lessons have been taught
That knowledge hasn’t been earned
“This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization. It’s the sound of the unlocking and the lift away.”- Re: Stacks (Bon Iver)
Mingo’s saloon 